*~*Tracy*~* (witchygirl821) wrote in familysurvivors,

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Sorry I haven't written lately. It's pretty sad when you're not posting in the community that you created. So once again I apologize. It's strange though cause there are a few people who joined but never posted yet. I hope eventually you all feel comfortable enough to share your stories with us.

Here's one of my problems. Since my dad committed suicide its kinda set me up for a problem. I am TERRIFIED of losing people. When I was little I never let my mom go anywhere without me. If she wasn't home from work on time I would pace the house until she pulled into the driveway. I was afraid she'd die or never come home.

My brother is two years younger than me. When he was growing up I was so afraid that God was gonna take him away from me because he was a boy and since my dad died then maybe my brother would. I would hound him wherever he was going, who was with, when he was coming home. I wouldn't sleep until he came home and I would be plagued with anxiety. My heart would pound and I'd feel nauseous and I'd shake. When he went away to school, college, I freaked. I hated not knowing if he was okay or not. I've gotten better with him now that he's 23 years old.

My sister would get upset, she's six years older than me. She'd leave or she's cry and I would think she would commit suicide. That she was so sad like my dad that she didn't want to be here anymore. Or that she would get in a car accident while she went for a drive to calm down.

Now that we're older I'm better but now I have turned and I freak about my boyfriend. I'm afraid he'll cheat on me or leave me. That he'll get hurt or die. When he goes out on the weekends I live in a world of fear until I can talk to him the next day to make sure he's okay and that he still loves me. I have sever anxiety and I say prayers at night that will make it okay. I also say my rosary and I can't go to sleep if I don't say it. If I go to bed without saying my prayers I feel that I run the risk that something bad will happen. You see my boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to me. He understands me and he doesn't get mad at me for my sometimes irrational behavior. He loves me for me and he says that he won't to marry me.

I do suffer from depression and general anxiety disorder. This stems from my fathers death. I have gone to see someone but to be honest with you I thought she was very judgmental and that's not what I want when I talk to someone about things that hurt me or bother me or even things that make me happy. She kinda criticized me for me and my boyfriends age difference which really PISSED me off. I do take medication which helps me. I went off of it for a while and it was awful I felt completely out of control emotionally. So I went back on it.

I'm wondering does anyone else suffer from stuff like this as part of the aftermath of the deaths that you have had in your lives? I mean for me its been 15 years and sometimes it doesn't feel like it gets any easier and then some days I feel really good and it doesn't really hurt. Unfortunately I still have to deal with the depression and anxiety but I guess most of the time I have it under control.

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